“sth bad had happened…”

但爱这个字——
这个字在逐渐变暗,变得
沉重和摇摆不定
并开始侵蚀
这一页纸
你听
——《爱这个字》Raymond Carver

It is evil, right? Want to jsut get rid of those negative frenz. It’s been soo emotionally demanding lately, not in a good way. Mine own insignificant feelings/desires and my darlings’.

A lot of missed calls.

For all those shits happening in her life right now, can we say it’s 80% because of herself, her attitude towards what person, towards the whole thing? You cant really blame anyone, because it’s your decision to do certain thing, and not do certain things.

For all the shits happening in your life, it is YOU, not anyone else’s responsibility. Even thou I might sound like a terrible person, but it is so ducking true. What goes around, comes around. Yet I cant help but worrying about you, and myself.

You decide to stick with your feeling and pursuit it, for whatever the outcome it might leads, you told me you just wanna seize the day, wanna have a good memory for however long you two can be together. You told me after 911, hopefully everything will work out the way you want it to. But there’re just so many new situations keep coming up, so many distractions, so many uncertainties, so many misunderstandings, so many unneccessary evaluations…and what you do or think bascially just make everything more complicated.

Me on the other hands, being an ‘escaper’ all the time, I tend not to face it, how I really truly feel, I’m not ignoring or doing anything about it, but I just not like you, I wont activlly pursuit. I’m just gonna go with the flow, literally, knowing that everything,all the feelings, all the tears/laughters/love/lust/fears/happiness-no matter how strong it might feel at this particular moment, will eventually fades out. I’m just sitting here, without doing anything or telling anyone, I’m just sitting right here, watching that flows away.

But all the calls and msgs from you, make me lose focus, I cant concerntrate on my own ‘going with the flow’ progression. It constantly stirs up sth out of  blue. My brain automatically switches on and starts debating.

I love you, but I hate how I feels about you, sometimes.  I am just a selfish little person, I do everything according to a priority check list. But I know true friends stick together during hard times and that’s what will make this friendship shine out.  And I cant do anything about it now, knowing  how you are both stubborn and indecitive, strong and vulnerable, all I can do is trying not miss one single call from you whenever you need me, all I can do after all, is  just listening.

They are the same, that’s all I can tell you, and you asked me why not, I can answer you right here: because, they might worth a try, yet I am not that convinced based on what they show me. I dont have enough evidence to appeal, hence I decide to withdraw the case…maybe, one day, I will see new evidence.

I need someone to demostrate on my 白白.

你见,或者不见我
我就在那里

不悲不喜


你念,或者不念我
情就在那里

不来不去

你爱,或者不爱我
爱就在那里

不增不减


你跟,或者不跟我
我的手就在你手里

不舍不弃

来我的怀里
或者
让我住进你的心里
默然 相爱
寂静 欢喜

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